


Black Dwarf

by versutiloquent



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 20:32:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9921131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/versutiloquent/pseuds/versutiloquent
Summary: Kibum was the first to own his heart, and he was his star.  It takes some time until Kibum realizes that stars lose their shine.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Crossposted on Asianfanfics and LiveJournal under the same username.

  

Kibum's mobile ringtone distracts him from his thoughts. He immediately takes his phone out from his pocket to receive the sudden call. "Hello?"

"Kibum, baby. I'm sorry I forgot to call you yesterday. I was so busy and-"

"You don't have to explain. It's alright."

 

*** * * * * * * ***

 

A freshman Kibum needs a particular book for a homework due in about two hours and upon inquiring the librarian about it, he finds out that the only available copy of the book at this time is being used by a sophomore boy. He reprimands himself for procrastinating for three days and considers neglecting his homework entirely just because he's too shy to approach the said sophomore, but he convinces himself otherwise. It took him about twenty minutes of feigning browsing through the bookshelves to muster up the courage to walk towards the sophomore and now that he's standing beside the boy, he tells himself that it's too late to back out.

  
"E-Excuse me? Are you... still using this book?" Kibum's voice sounds soft. The said sophomore does not respond right away, and he continues to scribble on his notebook. He assumes that the boy is writing his notes. For a moment, Kibum thinks the boy is deliberately ignoring him but he then notices that the boy is wearing earphones and he feels the urge to smack his forehead for his stupidity. Kibum is about to tap the boy on the shoulder when the said boy lifts his head, looking surprised to see Kibum standing before him.  
  
"Uh, can I help you?" Kibum curls his hand into a fist and pulls his hand back reflexively. He presses his closed fist against his chest, embarrassment washing over him as his eyes meet the perplexed gaze of the sophomore boy.  
  
"I was- um- I was going to ask if you're still... using this book." He taps the book he needs with his free hand and he is unaware that he's biting on his lower lip.   
  
The boy directs his gaze to the book before looking up at Kibum again. A smile is drawn on his lips and he shakes his head. "No, I'm not. Do you need it?" Kibum nods timidly.  
  
"I see. You can take it." Kibum finds his smile charming, and he fails to stop himself from staring. His grandmother once told him that it's rude to stare but his grandmother's words are long forgotten when his almond eyes skim over the boy's features, registering in his brain that this boy before him is indeed good-looking.  
  
"Do you need anything else?" Kibum blinks and comes back to his senses when he hears the sophomore speak once more.  He hears a chuckle from the boy's lips and his cheeks heat up from embarrassment, a light shade of pink coloring the pale skin.   
  
"N-No. Um, thanks anyway." Kibum is quick to spin around and walk away from the boy, heading to the other side of the library. He mumbles to himself how stupid he was for blatantly staring while taking hurried steps.   
  
His gaze falls on a desolated table located at the farthest corner of the library and chooses to stay there. He takes the seat nearest to the alabaster wall and situates the aged book on the table. "Kibum, it's rude to stare." Kibum whispers to himself while gritting his teeth, and with his hand, he hits his forehead with a light smack.

 

*** * * * * * * ***

 

Kibum's morning is far from splendid. Getting scolded by your mother on a Monday morning is definitely not Kibum's ideal way to start his week. He's not as vexed as he was earlier once he reached school, but his mood is still sour and he concludes that it will stay that way for the rest of the day. Kibum stands in front of his locker and heaves a sigh. He is about to take his History book out, simultaneously mocking his mother's words. The action comes to an abrupt halt, for the sophomore boy named Jonghyun from the library approaches him unexpectedly and intrudes his personal space. Kibum stills for a moment.

  
"Hey Kibum. Can we be friends?"   
  
He thinks he might have misheard the boy and a puzzled look dawns on his face. They have bumped onto each other quite a lot ever since their encounter in the library and have exchanged short conversations. Each time it happens, the sophomore would send him a smile and it would bring a blush to Kibum's cheeks. Kibum has not forgotten about his little display of stupidity in front of Jonghyun and the mere reminder of it makes him want to hide in shame.  
  
"Does the silence mean no?" Kibum hears the disappointment in his voice. It's faint but Kibum knows it's there. Kibum shakes his head, finally giving Jonghyun a reply.  
  
"So it is a no." Jonghyun states and Kibum shakes his head even harder.  
  
"No- I mean- No, it's not a no." Kibum says in a hurry.  
  
"It's not a no? So... it's a yes then?" Jonghyun asks him, that charming smile of his finding its way on his lips. His eyes gleams with hope and Kibum catches that.  
  
"Well um... Yes, it's a yes. I think we can be friends." Kibum nods lightly and manages to look at Jonghyun with a small smile.  
  
"Great!" Jonghyun exclaims happily, the smile on his face stretching into a radiant grin. Kibum thinks it's contagious because he finds himself smiling after seeing it. "Will you eat with me later during lunch then?" Jonghyun adds.

 

*** * * * * * * ***

  

Through the months that they have spent together, Kibum discovers a lot of things about his friend Jonghyun. He finds out that Jonghyun is intelligent and that he has always been on top of his class. Jonghyun invited him to his house one day and Kibum saw all the trophies, medals, certificates, and other recognitions that Jonghyun has accumulated since he began going to school. While Kibum touched an oddly-shaped quiz bee trophy, a trophy that Jonghyun won during seventh grade, he asked in jest if Jonghyun can help him study. Jonghyun, recognizing it as a joke instantly, turned him down. Two weeks after that, Kibum shyly asked Jonghyun for help on his Mathematics homework and from then on, Jonghyun has been helping Kibum study whenever he has free time.

  
Kibum greatly admires Jonghyun's passion for music.  The way Jonghyun's eyes light up and sparkle every single time he talks about music makes Kibum's heart skip a beat. When Kibum first heard Jonghyun sing, Kibum asked him instantaneously about how long he has been taking voice lessons and how much it has been costing him. Jonghyun meekly shook his head and Kibum thought Jonghyun is lying. But when Kibum blurted "You seriously want me to believe that an amazing, album-worthy voice like that has never been coached at all?", he saw Jonghyun's cheeks turn crimson for the first time. Kibum stupidly gaped at Jonghyun and kept repeating "oh my god" for a good fifteen minutes.  
  
Jonghyun is sensitive. Kibum noticed it when Jonghyun tried to draw something for him and he called it ridiculous while laughing. Kibum muttered a soft "thank you" while wiping the tears on his eyes and he caught Jonghyun's dull smile. Kibum assumed it when Jonghyun casually wrapped his arm around Kibum's shoulders and he shrugged it off because he was in front of his classmates. Jonghyun avoided any sort of physical contact between them after that for five straight days. On his defense, he didn't want the his classmates to get the wrong idea. Kibum confirmed it when he read one of Jonghyun's song drafts and referred to the metaphors as unpleasantly peculiar. Kibum observed that he never finished writing the song.   
  
Jonghyun dotes on dogs. Kibum is not fond of animals, especially dogs. A vivacious Kibum of eight getting bitten by an unattented dog yielded years of Kibum evading the proximity with dogs at all costs. Kibum of sixteen still thinks they're adorable creatures, as long as they keep their distance. Jonghyun pestered him for an entire week to accompany him to a dog pound and he cannot fathom how the older boy coaxed him into it. Then one Sunday afternoon, after nine years, Kibum was petting the head of a Dachschund puppy. Jonghyun called him cute.  
  
Kibum learns that Jonghyun has a penchant for stars. Kibum asked why and he answered, "They're simply beautiful. Each star is unique in their own way. The sky might be at their darkest but they're still there, just shrouded by the clouds. Stars never leave." There was a somber tone in Jonghyun's last words. Curiosity bubbled in his chest, but Kibum never asked him further. Plenty of nights they spent together under the vast midnight skies. Jonghyun's gaze was always transfixed on the glistening stars. Kibum was busy holding himself back from admiring how the stars are reflected on Jonghyun's eyes.

 

*** * * * * * * ***

 

It's a Saturday night and Kibum's parents won't be home until Sunday afternoon. Kibum assures him that he'll be fine on his own. He's been alone in his house for countless times, but Jonghyun insists that Kibum stay overnight in his house. Kibum declines for the third time but Jonghyun rushes to inform his parents, running to the kitchen and disturbing his mother while she cooks then dashing to his father's office to let him know of their sudden visitor. Kibum releases a loud sigh in defeat, and Jonghyun beams in satisfaction.

  
The clock says 7:38 pm and he's sitting at the dining table between Jonghyun and his sister, Sodam. Kibum anxiously sits on his chair. The food prepared by Jonghyun's mother is scrumptious, but he cannot seem to enjoy consuming the food. He gives Jonghyun a surreptitious glance, and he finds Jonghyun smiling at him.  
  
"Are you from Jonghyun's class?" His mother asks. Kibum notes the sweetness in her voice.  
  
Kibum swallows lightly, responding with a light shake of his head. "No, I'm a year below him."  
  
"A sophomore, I see." Jonghyun's mother directs his gaze to Jonghyun. "Is he your new best friend now?"  
  
Kibum wants to ask what his mother meant by "new" best friend. Questions swim inside Kibum's mind and he looks at Jonghyun though he expects no answer. Jonghyun then lifts his head up and their eyes meet. There was a pause, and Kibum feels like the silence has enveloped them for minutes. He stares at Jonghyun and waits for his answer, his mouth growing slack while chewing. Kibum was first to look away and he shifted his gaze back to the remaining food on his plate. He wants to know what he is to Jonghyun too. Kibum also thinks the title best friend is quite an overwhelming title. Kibum has never been anyone's best friend before.   
  
"Yes he is. We're best friends."

 

*** * * * * * * ***

 

Kibum is watching a movie with his father in the living room. Kibum has never seen this movie before and the story line is intriguing. He's thoroughly engrossed in the movie, oblivious to the rapid passing of the time. The vacant space on his left side dips, and he figures out that it's his mother without sparing her a short glance. Kibum is not aware how long his mother has sat beside him, but then he feels a light tapping on his left thigh. He acknowledges it with a hum without tearing his eyes away from the screen.

  
"I heard your phone ringing earlier in your room. You should check it. It might be an important call."  He hears her say with her ever-so-calm voice. Kibum nods curtly, his attention fully directed on the movie.  
  
The door is left ajar and Kibum asks himself if he left it open as he enters his room. A familiar tune travels to his ears and his attention is drawn to the source of the noise, his phone lying idly on his bed. With a couple of long strides, he reaches his bed and he grabs his phone. Utter surprise fills him when he reads Jonghyun's name on the screen. He expected him to be dancing his night away during prom night.  
  
Kibum frowns as he takes the call. "Hello?"  
  
"Can you go outside?" He only hears Jonghyun's voice, and the absence of blaring music or obnoxious chattering baffles him.   
  
"Why? Aren't you supposed to be at prom night?" Kibum presses the phone against his ear more, willing to hear any sort of sound that hints the event. Confusion rouses in him. Silence is the only thing there besides Jonghyun.  
  
"Well I was but- Ugh, can you go out or not?" Kibum rolls his eyes at how demanding Jonghyun sounds, but he scrambles out of his bed to grab his nearest sneakers.  
  
"Where are you?" He sits on the edge of his bed and puts his phone on speaker mode, setting the phone down beside him before putting his shoes on hastily.  
  
"I'm at the park."  
  
"What the hell are you doing there?" Kibum's answer is snappish. He's rushing to the other side of his room where his closet is then he's grabbing the first sweatshirt he sees.   
  
"Just come. I'll wait for you okay? Bye." Jonghyun ends the phone call at that.  
  
Kibum puts on his gray sweatshirt over his black tank top at a hurried pace. He then stands before his full-length mirror and brushes his hair with his long fingers, fixing them in place. Satisfied that he looks decent enough, he retrieves his phone and slips it into his sweatpants' pocket. Kibum is running down the stairs while calling out to his parents, telling them he'll be heading out. He hears his dad say, "Don't stay out too late." and he quickly replies an "I won't" before he leaves the house premises.  
  
A few people were on the streets and Kibum is jogging past them. The park is about half a kilometer away from his  house and Kibum ceases jogging for a moment to catch his breath, before sprinting off to his destination. Kibum abhors waiting and he would rather not let Jonghyun wait for him that long.   
  
He gradually slows down and he ponders on how many minutes it took him to arrive at the park. A string of pants leaves Kibum's lips, deep breaths aiding him to regulate his breathing.  He's a bit sweaty and he dislikes that a lot. He didn't bring a towel nor a handkerchief so he resorts to wiping his forehead and the sides of his face on the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Kibum takes one indolent step after another until a dilapidated bench comes into view and Kibum knows he has reached the place.  
  
"Jonghyun?" Kibum calls out to him, walking nearer to the bench.  
  
"Hey Jonghyun, come out." He's standing behind the bench, looking around closely for any sign of Jonghyun. He releases a deep breath noisily through his nostrils and droops his shoulders.  
  
"Jonghyun, where are you?" Kibum calls him for the third time, his voice inadvertently resembling a whine. Kibum purses his lips then he sees a silhoutte of a man leaning against it, immediately assuming that it's Jonghyun.   
  
A scowl forms on Kibum's features. "Are you deaf? I was calling out to you and-"  
  
"I've written so many songs. I've been sleepless for days. Scribbling words on papers. Figuring out what to say." Kibum hears a voice singing so mellifluously, causing his feet to desist moving. He stills, for he distinctly knows that voice.   
  
His arms fold against his chest, his eyebrow arching at the same time. "Did you make me come here just to listen to your new-"  
  
"It's never been easy, but I hope you'll understand. For so long, I've been wishing to be the man who holds your hand." Jonghyun continues to sing and disregards Kibum's question, which irks him. Kibum's vexation is ephemeral, bewilderment replacing it as soon as Kibum hears the last bit of the lyrics.   
  
"You're an angel in disguise. Your smile's the finest art." The singing resumes and Kibum sees the silhouette move. Jonghyun is stepping out of the shadows, and Kibum's breath hitches at the sight of Jonghyun before him. Jonghyun clad in a black suit is breathtaking under the faint moonlight.  
  
"And to the heavens I pray, that one day you'll take my heart." There's a frantic drumming within Kibum's chest. He's ensnared by the dulcet notes streaming out of Jonghyun's lips. Jonghyun is standing before him and he feels bashful to meet his eyes. Kibum gains a reason to divert his eyes elsewhere, but his eyes settle on the beautiful red rose being offered to him by Jonghyun.  
  
"I'll take this chance tonight. Let me hold you under the moonlight. When the music stops playing, for you I'll still be singing." Sweet chills dance on Kibum's skin and it's sublime. As Kibum takes the rose, he deems Jonghyun's voice as his most favorite sound. His eyes refuse to settle on the rose for too long, so he averts his gaze and he's drawn to those brown eyes. Unspoken emotions fill Jonghyun's irises and Kibum is enticed to drown in them.  
  
"I'll take this chance tonight. We've already come this far. All I want is to be yours. Let me be your star." Tears are brimming on Kibum's eyes and he feels a gentle caress on the side of his face. He leans into Jonghyun's affectionate touch. A hand cups Kibum's cheek then the song is finished, the last note fading so smoothly.   
  
"Let me be your star, Kibum." He hears Jonghyun whisper so softly to him. Silence reigns over them, and Jonghyun gazes at him with patient eyes.  Kibum has so much to say, but he's rendered speechless. His throat hurts, and Kibum thinks it's caused by the words incarcerated in it. Kibum is thinking how to respond and he's silent, but the smile nestled on Jonghyun's lips does not falter.  
  
"Does the silence mean no?" Jonghyun asks him. Kibum is taken back to the start of his friendship with Jonghyun. A tear escapes his eyelids due to the memory and it rolls down his cheek. Kibum then shakes his head, just like he did before. Jonghyun simply wipes away his tear with his thumb.  
  
"So it is a no." He notices how Jonghyun arches his eyebrow, an amused smile forming on his lips.  
  
"No. I mean- No it's not a no." Kibum is chuckling and his heart is swelling from bliss. Jonghyun feels the same way that he does. The fact is still sinking in his brain, and his heart.  
  
"It's not a no? So it's a yes then?" The smile on Jonghyun's lips stretches and Kibum concludes that Jonghyun wants to replicate the memory too. It's like deja vu, but immensely better.  
  
"Well um... Yes, it's a yes." Kibum finally nods and the smile on Kibum's lips is an impeccable reflection of Jonghyun's. He places his lovely hand atop Jonghyun's hand that cups his cheek. "You can be my star, Jonghyun."  
  
A pair of strong arms envelop Kibum's slim frame. He's pressed flush against Jonghyun and he can feel his warmth radiating. His masculine scent allures Kibum's olfactory senses and Kibum falls into the temptation as he nuzzles the crook of Jonghyun's neck, inhaling his scent. Though Jonghyun's arms feel heavenly, Kibum pulls away. He also wants to take this chance tonight. Kibum can finally see how the stars are reflected in Jonghyun's brown eyes.

  

*** * * * * * * ***

 

Snow has always been fascinating to Kibum, but he never appreciated how the cold weather made his hands feel like ice. Kibum's gloved hands are tucked inside his winter jacket, freezing, but he remains stationary on the same spot that he has been standing on for the past forty-nine minutes. Kibum knows he could just saunter into the coffee shop and it's more logical to wait for Jonghyun inside but for no apparent reason, he refuses to enter without him. He woke up too early for his liking just for this day and much of his patience has ebbed. His foot begins tapping impatiently on the ground and his eyes wander around the busy street in search of a familiar figure.

  
Strong arms from behind wrap around Kibum and a chin rests on his shoulders. "You're so early, babe."   
  
Kibum scoffs at those words, his head snapping to the side to face the man holding him. "I'm not early, babe. You're late." Kibum accentuates the endearment and his tongue laced with displeasure. Jonghyun knows how much he hated waiting.  
  
Jonghyun looks at him with an apologetic smile and the scowl marring Kibum's face softens once he stares into Jonghyun's eyes. Their gazes connect and Jonghyun's mesmerizing orbs take Kibum's breath away, like they always do. A soft chuckle rumbles out Jonghyun's lips and he kisses Kibum. The meeting of their lips was soft, sweet, and quick but it was enough for Kibum's vexation to dissipate and his lips to smile.  
  
Calloused fingers enclose his wrist and Kibum is being pulled into the coffee shop, the soft, pleasant ringing of the bells disturbing the silence of the place. The grip on his wrist loosens and Kibum takes it as his cue to find them a table, leaving Jonghyun at the counter to place their orders. He catches sight of an unoccupied table for two at a near corner and he strides towards it, settling on a seat to lay claim on the spot. Kibum does not wait long for Jonghyun to come back holding a tray and he's grateful because he does not want to wait yet again. Jonghyun occupies the other seat and places the tray onto the table with care. The pleasant aroma of the coffee invades Kibum's senses and Kibum inhales deeply, humming softly while he shuts his eyes and basks on the scent.   
  
"How's the project going so far?" He hears Jonghyun ask and his eyes flutter open. Kibum notices how Jonghyun's eyes gleam with curiosity and how his face glows with enthusiasm to listen.   
  
"It's great, actually." Kibum starts with a grin and reaches for his cup of coffee. "I'm progressing faster that I've expected to be honest. I've finished about a third of it already!"  
  
"I'm so happy to hear that. I'll get to see the mural up close when it's done, right?" Jonghyun asks yet again, and Kibum nods in reply.  
  
"On the exhibit day, yes. The university's going to be open for everyone anyway so you can drop by and I'll bring you there." Kibum says with a smile and takes a small bite from his toast. He watches Jonghyun take a sip from his coffee and set the cup down on the saucer.  
  
"I have a new friend." Jonghyun is quick to raise his head, a look of surprise gracing his features and Kibum lightly chuckles at that. "His name's Taemin. We're taking the same program and he is so great, I swear. I love his works."  
  
"You sound so fond of him already." Kibum sees the slight furrowing of Jonghyun's eyebrows.  
  
"I am." He gives a nod in confirmation and grins. "He's such a darling, Jjong. Like a ball of sunshine."  
  
Jonghyun's frown deepens and Kibum arches an eyebrow questioningly at his reaction. Kibum has an assumption in his mind but he keeps the words lingering on his tongue. "I may or may not be feeling slightly jealous right now, and I may or may not be thinking of transferring to your university again."  
  
Kibum's heart flutters but his eyes does a habitual roll. "You're an idiot. Why do I love you again?"

 

*** * * * * * * ***

  
Kibum's vision is blurry. He bumps against a woman and he hears her spit a piercing profanity, but he has no will to care. His breathing is erratic due to unceasing sobs and tear stains litter all over his rosy cheeks. He's incognizant of his surroundings and he's aimlessly walking on a busy street, haphazardly turning lefts and rights. Kibum has no idea where to go, but he knows his desire to leave and be alone will bring him somewhere, anywhere.

  
A firm hand encloses Kibum's arm. He lets out a loud sob because Jonghyun caught him and he's being forcibly yanked back. Kibum tries to pull away and a hoarse groan is heard from his lips, but his effort is futile. Jonghyun's grip is too firm, and he feels so feeble.  
  
"Kibum, stop. Please." His voice sounds broken to Kibum's ears.  
  
Kibum turns around to face Jonghyun and exclaims, attempting to pull his arm off from Jonghyun's grip for the second time. "Don't fucking tell me what to do! Let me go!"  
  
"Baby, please. Please just listen to me." He does not want to him plead like this. Kibum wants to run away. The last thing he wishes to see is Jonghyun crying, but it's too late because his eyes are clearly seeing the tears that slide down Jonghyun's cheek. Kibum is hurting, but Jonghyun's tears pain him more.  
  
"It hurts, Jjong. It fucking hurts me when you deny me before your parents. I don't care if you do it behind my back. I don't fucking care." A choked sob interrupts Kibum. He wants to shut up. Kibum wants to be silent, like he always does, but his heart is about to implode and his ribs are at the brink of snapping. His trembling lips are the only egress his suppressed emotions can find at the moment.  
  
"Kibum, listen to me-"  
  
"It wasn't just once. Not just twice, not even just thrice. I can't even count how many times you did this to me, goddammit!" More hot tears rush down his wet cheeks. He can barely see Jonghyun and the grip on his arm had vanished. There's a voice screaming at the back of his head to stop, but he can't. "My parents kicked me out and disowned me. I have two jobs and I'm struggling to keep my scholarship. I live in a shitty dormitory. All because I fucking fought for you! I fought for you! Why can't you do the same for me?"  
  
Kibum sees how Jonghyun's bites his lower lip. He dreads the silence binding them. He sees the man before him lower his head, and hears him let out a sob. The sound of it is excruciating to Kibum's ears, unbearable. Kibum tilts his head up, diverting his gaze to the night sky momentarily, then he closes his eyes. He wants to lose his breath.  
  
He feels a hand on his face, then another, urging him to tilt his head back down. He feels thumbs wiping away the tears on his cheeks, and he sinks his teeth down on his lower lip, because his gentle touch is aggravating the pain in his chest. Kibum flutters his eyelids open, and instantly regrets it for Jonghyun's bloodshot eyes welcome him.  
  
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." Jonghyun chants his apologies like a mantra, and Kibum tears again. Kibum does not want his apologies. Kibum detests his apologies.  
  
"Fight for me. Please, fight for me. Tell me I'm worth fighting for." Kibum's voice came out as a soft whisper. He's staring at those glossy eyes that he adores so much while he utters his plea. Jonghyun is worth all the sacrifices and Kibum knows that he is as well, but this man before him is making him question it.  
  
"Give me another chance, Kibum." A soft smile graces Kibum's lips.

 

*** * * * * * * ***

  
Two days has passed since Jonghyun moved to his new apartment but he has barely unboxed half of his belongings, so Kibum decided to come over and give a helping hand. Jonghyun has mentioned to him before about his parents planning about giving him a birthday gift and Jonghyun's wish to move out and have his own apartment. Kibum frowned at the idea, not because neither Jonghyun nor his parents can afford such an exorbitant wish, but because he doubts that Jonghyun can survive living on his own.

  
"You shouldn't be slacking around, you know. This place is a mess." Kibum's head is resting comfortably on Jonghyun's chest, his arm draped around Jonghyun's waist.   
  
"There's no need to rush. We've got all the time in the world to fix this." Jonghyun presses an affectionate kiss on his temple, and Kibum relaxes further into his touch. Kibum loves to be held by Jonghyun like this. The solace provided by Jonghyun's embrace is unrivalled, and it has been Kibum's sanctuary for years.  
  
Kibum raises his head to gaze at Jonghyun. "I saw the photos taken during your birthday dinner a week ago. It's on my Facebook newsfeed last night."   
  
There was a pause before Jonghyun's brief reply. "You did?"   
  
"Mhm." Kibum hums in affirmation, and Jonghyun looks down at him. A question that crossed Kibum's mind last night crosses his mind again, curiosity reflected in his eyes. "Who were the other people present? I don't think I've seen them before..."   
  
Kibum observes the faint twitching of Jonghyun's eyebrows, and the minimal change of his tranquil expression. He senses apprehension, but casts it aside. Kibum tells himself that his observations are not accurate at all times anyway.  
  
"Uh, one of Mom and Dad's business partners. They talked about merging their business during the dinner, actually." Kibum catches the unease in Jonghyun's voice, and his gut feeling says it's really there.  
  
"During your birthday dinner? Well, isn't that just rude? I mean, it's your birthday dinner after all. They should have kept their business talks in their offices, or out of your birthday dinner at least." There was a slight frown on Kibum's face, and he detaches himself from Jonghyun's embrace in order to sit up straight.  
  
Kibum is surprised by Jonghyun's quick response. "It wasn't exhaustively discussed anyway. They just raised the matter for a brief moment. I think it was just to inform us, their kids, you know?"  
  
"Oh, I see." Kibum nods in understanding. His mind drifts to a particular photo he saw last night and it fires up his curiosity again. "There's a pretty girl beside you in this uhh... it's a group photo. I just can't pinpoint which one."  
  
"Sodam?" Jonghyun's voice raises a pitch. Kibum shakes his head.  
  
"Very funny, Jjong. I know who Sodam is." Kibum retorts. "I mean, the other girl."  
  
There was another pause. "Oh. That would be Jiyeon, the... daughter of my parent's business partners."  
  
"Oh." Kibum's reply is plain, then he drops the subject. The conversation perturbs him but he assures himself that he might be misinterpreting things and it's not the right time to scrutinize the matter. "You looked handsome that night, by the way. You're dashing in those clothes."   
  
"But I bet you'd rather see me without it." Jonghyun's voice is void of unease now, and Kibum scoffs after reading between the lines.  
  
"Oh god, shut up." Kibum rolls his eyes at Jonghyun, but the displeasure on Kibum's face disappears instantly when Jonghyun tugs him onto his lap.  
  
Jonghyun's lips are curved into a smirk and Kibum knows Jonghyun has got him where he wanted him to be. He thinks of struggling, but the only protest that he does is to release an irritated groan. Kibum is sitting on Jonghyun's lap, his knees straddling the other male. He wants to wipe the smirk off of his boyfriend's face, but the salacious glint in Jonghyun's eyes and the hand amorously rubbing his thigh are distracting him. Jonghyun's other hand is on Kibum's nape and Kibum finds himself being pulled closer, until their foreheads touch.   
  
Jonghyun whispers in a low tone that sends shivers down Kibum's spine. "Want to make me shut up? Make my mouth busy." 

 

*** * * * * * * ***

 

Kibum yearned to hold Jonghyun in his arms once again. The stars heeded his plea, because Jonghyun is in his arms tonight and Jonghyun is kissing him with much need. The carnal heat that Jonghyun's body emits sets Kibum's entire body to flames, and he craves for more. His neck is being covered in feverish kisses and frantic touches are leaving trails of fire on Kibum's lithe body. Rows of teeth are sinking onto his skin and it elicits a moan from Kibum's scarlet lips. Jonghyun is marking him, claiming him as his, and it drives Kibum's mind to haywire. His graceful hands reacquaint with the toned muscles on Jonghyun's back and press his lover flush against him for Kibum is far from satisfied. He demands more of Jonghyun.

  
"Jjong please..." His voice trembles from need, but he is unable to specify what he particularly pleas for. His lips meet Jonghyun's in a searing kiss then a hand is enclosing the base of his arousal. The simple touch causes a wanton moan to escape Kibum's lips, only to be muffled against Jonghyun's hot mouth. He's in desperate need of oxygen. Jonghyun's timing is impeccable. Jonghyun pulls away from the heated kiss, giving Kibum the opportunity to appease the lack of oxygen in his lungs. Kibum does not need to flutter his eyes open to confirm that Jonghyun's eyes rest upon him. He does not need to invade Jonghyun's mind to ascertain that he solely occupies it. Jonghyun's body is speaking to him in ways better than words can do.  
  
The dexterous hand pleasuring him and the wet lips marring his skin begets Kibum to writhe on the mattress. Jonghyun's ministrations send Kibum on a trip to paradise, the loud moans slipping through Kibum's lips an indication that he's on the right track. Kibum's hands leave the expanse of Jonghyun's back to cup Jonghyun's face and he presses his lips hard on Jonghyun's plump ones. He struggles to open his eyes in order to meet Jonghyun's eyes and once he does, he is unable to suppress a whimper. The intensity of Jonghyun's lustful gaze on him makes him feel small and the evident want in his eyes burns Kibum to his very core.  
  
"Take me... Own me, Jjong..." Kibum breathes out against Jonghyun's lips.  
  
Time is at a standstill and Kibum is holding his breath as Jonghyun slowly pushes into Kibum. A stinging pain due to the stretch spreads around Kibum's lower back and Kibum bites back a pained groan. Kibum's eyebrows are creased and he's taking deep breaths to relax himself and adjust around Jonghyun. The soft kisses that cover his face and the warm hand caressing his thighs aid his efforts and soon, he's pleading for Jonghyun to move against him.   
  
Jonghyun begins slow, his movements shallow and measured. The pain is still present, but Kibum finds delight in running his hands along Jonghyun's arm and feeling Jonghyun's biceps under his fingertips. Kibum slides his arms around Jonghyun's figure, deliberately moving his still hips once the pain subsides. He knows Jonghyun catches the hint, because Jonghyun's thrusts are increasing its pace and Jonghyun is rocking harder into him. The amorous heat surrounding them intensifies and billows of pleasure surge into Kibum's system, his brazen moans escalating in volume.  
  
Kibum bends under Jonghyun when he hits the bundles of sensitive nerves inside him, a shrill moan of Jonghyun's name resonating against the walls. Kibum's blunt nails engrave crescents on Jonghyun's sun-kissed skin and he desperately pleads for more. He is blissfully lost due to the pleasurable sensations Jonghyun delivers each time he rams into him and the words of affection being whispered so huskily to his ear.   
  
His breathing quickens. A familiar coil starts at the pit of his stomach. Kibum is nearing his limit and he figures that Jonghyun is right there with him, his lover's erratic thrusts telling him so. At a vigorous snap of Jonghyun's hips, he reaches the peak of his pleasure and the raspy moan erupting from Jonghyun's lips alerts Kibum of their simultaneous climax. An explosion of polychromatic fireworks appears behind his eyelids and he spills his hot seed all over Jonghyun's abdomen while Jonghyun paints his walls with his strings of passion.   
  
The room falls relatively silent. Their heavy breathing the only ones contesting the prevailing silence in the room. Exhaustion settles on Kibum's body and he welcomes it. He then feels warm lips against his forehead and it makes him smile in content.  
  
Kibum wakes up when he notices the loss of Jonghyun's warmth on his side. His eyes are still hazy from sleep and he furrows his eyebrows at the sight of Jonghyun hastily dressing up. Kibum takes a glance at his bedside clock and it says 7:24 am.  
  
"Aren't you going to stay for breakfast?" Kibum asks, his voice groggy from sleep.  
  
"I can't, baby. I need to be somewhere today." He slowly sits up, the blanket slipping down to his lap and revealing his naked torso. He watches Jonghyun fix his shirt.  
  
"Not even just a quick one?" Kibum asks once more with hopes of changing Jonghyun's mind.  
  
Kibum thinks that Jonghyun changed his mind after he takes a step forward, but the hands cupping his cheeks and the kiss on the forehead he's receiving shatter his hope. "I really can't. I'll give you a call later, okay?"  
  
Kibum mumbles a dismal reply. "Okay."  
  
His gaze never left Jonghyun, his eyes following the man as he hurriedly walked away and left through the door. Kibum stares at the door silently wishing that Jonghyun would strut back in, but Jonghyun is nowhere in sight. Kibum lets himself fall back down on the bed and he heaves a loud sigh. He thinks of going back to sleep, but he knows his heavy heart will make it impossible.

  

 *** * * * * * * ***  

 

The huge fight he had with Jonghyun a day ago replays in his mind and he's fighting the fresh tears from falling. After all these years, he has proven that it's impossible to resist forgiving Jonghyun when Kibum is gazing into those breathtaking eyes of his. Kibum wants to be away for a while and he is grateful for Jinki, his close friend, for letting him stay in his house. It's nine in the morning and Kibum is leaning against the kitchen counter, his hands securely holding a mug of coffee that Jinki prepared for him.

  
"You think so highly of yourself when that ass can't even introduce you to his damn homophobic parents as his boyfriend. Best friend? How long has it been, huh?" Kibum's bites his lip at Jinki's sarcasm and usage of a pejorative name. His thumb is gently caressing the mug, his gaze fixed onto the foam gathered at the middle of his mug.  
  
The atmosphere is permeated by silence. Kibum thinks the silence will persist, and he prefers that, but Jinki begins his tirade again. "I'm trying to... to comprehend how you became like this... It's like you're hypnotized, under some form of a hex. Are you sure he's not part of a cult and not participating in any sort of devil worship?"  
  
The amalgamation of ridicule and mockery in Jinki's words makes Kibum squeeze the mug on his hold. Kibum blinks a couple of times to rid his eyes of tears, then glances at Jinki to shoot him a glare.  
  
"He's not?" The astonishment painted on Jinki's face irks Kibum. "Then fuck, Kibum. Your stupidity astounds me!"   
  
Kibum loses his appetite for the coffee. His palms no longer feel the warmth from the drink. His teeth are digging into his quivering bottom lip as he tries to prevent an outburst of his own. "Kibum... Should I draw a storyboard for you to understand? You're not on the pedestal anymore! That fucking woman is! He's flaunting her everywhere and you're begging for his free time. She's not the intruder in the relationship anymore - you are! He's treating you like a side bitch, Kibum! As soon as you realize that-"  
  
"Stop, stop. Jinki, stop!" Kibum's resolve crumbles. He liberates a strident cry and the mug slides out of his grip, the shattering noise making Kibum flinch.  The silence is deafening, then Kibum brings his hands against his face and bawls on his palms. His knees are shaking and he's sinking down to the floor but he feels himself getting pulled up. He feels a lean body against him, and comforting arms envelop his trembling frame.   
  
Kibum continues to bawl and his lungs are running out of air. Jinki's words pains him immensely. It was not because they were belittling nor accussing. It's the veracity of each word  and the fact that his words are the same words tormenting his mind relentlessly that claw his heart to shreds.  
  
"It's killing me. Just kill me because it hurts so much." Kibum mutters against his damp palms. He is uncertain if Jinki even understood what he said, but the soothing rubs on his back assures him that Jinki did. Kibum is a sobbing mess, and he clearly knows. He wraps his slim arms around Jinki and he embraces him tightly, desperately.  
  
"Stop giving him the right to hurt you. You don't deserve this at all and you know that." Jinki's voice is soft near his ear. Kibum curls his hands into fists, clutching on the fabric of Jinki's black shirt.  
  
"He was mine first. I've been with him all these years, Jinki. I'm the first." Kibum cries out in despair. He is asserting his role in Jonghyun's life, to Jinki. He would have laughed at how ridiculous it is, if only he could suppress his sob.   
  
"Does he still make you feel like you're the first? Does he make you feel important at all?" His chest constricts and he struggles for air.  
  
"Allow yourself to be truly happy. Kibum, let him go." Kibum is breathless, as if every bit of oxygen has been robbed out of his lungs. 

 

*** * * * * * * ***

 

Kibum sets a bottle of soju down beside him. He tries to think of how he ended up sitting on the cold tiled floor when he could have just settled on the empty couch that was conveniently right behind him then he tries to recall how many bottles of alcohol he has already consumed, but he fails to find the answer to both. He wants to quaff a couple of bottles more but the lethargy that has engulfed his arms protests against it. The thought of standing up, heading to his room and plopping down onto his soft bed to drift off into a tranquil slumber enters his mind, but his head is achingly throbbing and his entire body feels like lead weight so he dismisses the idea, including the soft voice on the back of his head scolding him relentlessly. Instead, Kibum chooses to remain wherever he is then leans back onto the couch, resting his head on its seat as he sprawls his slender legs on the floor. A soft sigh leaves his chapped lips and his eyelids fall shut, letting the alcohol take a toll on him and override his entire system.

  
The clock reads 1:38 pm and Kibum's terrible hangover has significantly ameliorated after taking aspirin as soon as he woke up. The television is on National Geographic channel but Kibum doesn't have a clue about what the current documentary is all about. Lackluster eyes stare at the screen and his bare face is devoid of any expression. His thoughts inadvertently meander to various things; from the shirt he adored at first sight three days ago when he was strolling around the mall, the troublesome kid who dirtied his shoes some days ago and didn't apologize, to the tall man with the charming round eyes at the coffee shop who asked for his number and he politely rejected. Kibum lets his mind wander, then vehemently regrets doing so as the events two nights ago came rushing back to him.   
  
He remembers how many times he pleaded and made up excuses for a straight week just so he can turn down the invitation. His left hand curls as he is reminded how Jonghyun held it before he entered the restaurant with him and how it was abandoned as soon as they stepped inside. He remembers the longing he felt when he sat beside Sodam instead of sitting beside him, because that seat is reserved for somebody else. The vivid image of a beautiful woman dressed in a lovely lilac dress emerges in his mind and the memory of how her lips curved into an enchanting smile upon the meeting of their gazes comes subsquently. He bites his lower lip, his sunken heart sinking even deeper.  
  
The will to cease the flow of such thoughts is strong, but then he realizes that it was not strong enough. Kibum's breathing starts to become erratic, the unsolicited picture of that night's dinner and their picturesque smiles flashing in his thoughts. He closes his eyes and commands himself to stop thinking about it all but he sees the blissful faces of everyone after the parents from both families announced the wedding date and everyone's cheers fill his ears once more. He feels a pain in his throat and his teeth sinks further into his lip.  
  
"My husband and I believe that there's no other woman - absolutely no one else - who would be better for our son, Jonghyun."  
  
Tears gather in his eyes as the exact words of Jonghyun's delighted mother blare through his ears.  He fights the warm tears back and clenches his fists, grasping the hem of his oversized shirt as if a metaphor to grip onto the remaining string of his sanity. Kibum does not realize that he's holding his breath, just like the man who had just entered his apartment.   
  
"A documentary about lizards? You hate documentaries and you hate lizards."   
  
A voice disrupts the trance that Kibum is in and the sound of footsteps alerts him that the visitor is coming closer. It only takes a mere second for him to recognize that voice, and Kibum does not want his resolve to break right in front of him. He swallows deeply before turning his head to face the man standing on his left, forcing his lips to form his usual smile.  
  
"I was trying to see if I can last for more than fifteen minutes, you know."  
  
Jonghyun makes his way to the couch and sits beside Kibum, dropping a bag of junk food on Kibum's lap. He feels Jonghyun's arm around his shoulders and Kibum then remembers the moments when Jonghyun did the same thing to her, but he drives the thought away defiantly and wraps his arms around Jonghyun's waist. Jonghyun presses his lips against Kibum's temple and it causes Kibum to smile, like always.  
  
"You know I love you, right? I love you so much." Kibum's whisper was soft, but he knows Jonghyun heard him.  
  
Kibum is staring at the brown eyes that he adores so much, and he notes that the luster they had before is no longer there. "I... I love you too, Kibum."

 

 *** * * * * * * ***  

 

"Kibum, you still there?" Kibum gulps to ease the pain in his throat. 

"Uh, yeah. What was it again?" Kibum absentmindedly bites his fingernails as he watches the people passing by him.

"I said I miss you and I was asking if you're free to come over to my house today. I'll be by myself for four days." He lowers his head, his gaze dropping onto the floor.

"Oh." His reply was brief, and Kibum bites his lower lip anxiously.

"So are you coming or not?" Kibum flutters his eyes closed for a moment, then takes a deep breath. "Kibum?"

"I'm not, and I'm never going there again." Kibum ends the phone call.

 

 


End file.
